Sunday, July 31, 2011

Tegucigalpa (n.)

An embarrassing mistake arising out of confusing the shape of something rather rude with something perfectly ordinary when groping for it in the darkness.
 A common example of a tegucigalpa is when a woman pulls a packet of Tampax out of her bag and offers them around under the impression that it is a carton of cigarettes.


Saturday, July 30, 2011

Moffat (n. tailoring term)

That part of your coat which is designed to be sat on by the person next of you on the bus.


Friday, July 29, 2011

Ossett (n.)

A frilly spare-toilet-roll-cosy.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Largoward (n.)

Motorists' name for the kind of pedestrian who stands beside a main road and waves on the traffic, as if it's their right of way.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Glenwhilly (n. Scots)

A small tartan pouch worn beneath the kilt during the thistle-harvest.


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Vobster (n.)

A strain of perfectly healthy rodent which develops cancer the moment it enter a laboratory.


Monday, July 25, 2011

Querrin (n.)

A person that no one has ever heard of who unaccountably manages to make a living writing prefaces.


Sunday, July 24, 2011

Frating green (adj.)

The shade of green which is supposed to make you feel comfortable in hospitals, industrious in schools and uneasy in police stations.

Frating green

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Cong (n.)

Strange-shaped metal utensil found at the back of the saucepan cupboard. Many authorities believe that congs provide conclusive proof of the existence of a now extinct form of yellow vegetable which the Victorians used to boil mercilessly.


Friday, July 22, 2011

Dorridge (n.)

Technical term for one of the lame excuses written in very small print on the side of packets of food or washing powder to explain why there's hardly anything inside. Examples include 'Contents may have settled in transit' and 'To keep each biscuit fresh they have been individually wrapped in silver paper and cellophane and separated with corrugated lining, a cardboard flap, and heavy industrial tyres'.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Amlwch (n.)

A British Rail sandwich which has been kept soft by being regularly washed and resealed in clingfilm.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Kingston bagpuise (n.)

A forty-year-old sixteen-stone man trying to commit suicide by jogging.

Kingston bagpuise

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Broats (pl. n.)

A pair of trousers with a career behind them. Broats are most commonly seen on elderly retired army officers. Originally the brats were part of their best suit back in the thirties; then in the fifties they were demounted and used for gardening. Recently pensions not being what they were, the broats have been called out of retirement and reinstated as part of the best suit again.


Monday, July 18, 2011

Llanelli (adj.)

Descriptive of the waggling movement of a person's hands when shaking water from them or warming up for a piece of workshop theatre.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

Polloch (n.)

One of those tiny ribbed-plastic and aluminium foil tubs of milk served on trains enabling you to carry one safely back to you compartment where you can spill the contents all over your legs in comfort trying to get the bloody things open.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Skegness (n.)

Nose excreta of a malleable consistency.


Friday, July 15, 2011

Queenzieburn (n.)

Something that happens when people make it up after an agglethorpe (q.v.)


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Nottage (n.)

Nottage is the collective name for things which you find a use for immediately after you've thrown them away. For instance, your greenhouse has been cluttered up for years with a huge piece of cardboard and great fronds of gardening string. You at last decide to clear all this stuff out, and you burn it. Within twenty-four hours you will urgently need to wrap a large parcel, and suddenly remember that luckily in your greenhouse there is some cardb...


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Yate (n.)

Dishearteningly white piece of bread which sits limply in a pop-up toaster during a protracted throcking (q.v.) session.


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dittisham (n.)

Any music you hear on the radio to which you have to listen very carefully to determine whether it is an advertising jingle or a bona fide record.


Monday, July 11, 2011

Timble (vb.)

(Of small nasty children.) To fail over very gently, look around to see who's about, and then yell blue murder.


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Oswaldtwistle (n. Old Norse)

Small brass wind instrument used for summoning Vikings to lunch when they're off on their longships, playing.


Saturday, July 9, 2011

Scroggs (n.)

The stout pubic hairs which protrude from your helping of moussaka in a cheap Greek restaurant.


Friday, July 8, 2011

Cannock chase (n.)

In any box of After Eight Mints, there is always a large number of empty envelopes and no more that four or five actual mints. The cannock chase is the process by which, no matter which part of the box often, you will always extract most of the empty sachets before pinning down an actual minot, or 'cannock'. The cannock chase also occurs with people who put their dead matches back in the matchbox, and then embarrass themselves at parties trying to light cigarettes with tree quarters of an inch of charcoal. The term is also used to describe futile attempts to pursue unscrupulous advertising agencies who nick your ideas to sell chocolates with.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Halcro (n.)

An adhesive fibrous cloth used to hold babies' clothes together. Thousands of tiny pieces of jam 'hook' on to thousands of tiny-pieces of dribble, enabling the cloth to become 'sticky'.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Ely (n.)

The first, tiniest inkling you get that something, somewhere, has gone terribly wrong.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Clonmult (n.)

A yellow ooze usually found near secretions of buldoo (q.v.) and sadberge (q.v.)


Monday, July 4, 2011

Shanklin (n.)

The hoop of skin around a single slice of salami.


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Royston (n.)

The man behind you in church who sings with terrific gusto almost tree quarters of a tone off the note.


Saturday, July 2, 2011

Fraddam (n.)

The small awkward-shaped piece of cheese which remains after grating a large regular-shaped piece of cheese and enables you to cut your fingers.


Friday, July 1, 2011

Umberleigh (n.)

The awful moment which follows a dorchester (q.v.) when a speaker weighs up whether to repeat an amusing remark after nobody laughed the last time. To be on the horns of an umberleigh is to wonder whether people didn't hear the remark, or whether they did hear it and just didn't think it was funny, which was why somebody coughed.