Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Ahenny (n.)

The way people stand when examining other people's bookshelves.


Monday, May 30, 2011

Twomileborris (n.)

A popular East European outdoor game in which the first person to reach the front of the meat queue wins, and the losers have to forfeit their bath plugs.


Sunday, May 29, 2011

Acle (n.)

The rogue pin which shirtmakers conceal in the most improbable fold of a new shirt. Its function is to stab you when you don the garment.


Saturday, May 28, 2011

Lamlash (n.)

The folder on hotel dressing-tables full of astoundingly dull information.


Friday, May 27, 2011

Nanhoron (n. medical)

A tiny valve concealed in the inner ear which enables a deaf grandmother to converse quite normally when she feels like it, but which excludes completely anything that sounds like a request to help with laying the table.


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Ozark (n.)

One who offers to help just after all the work has been done.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Glentaggart (n.)

A particular kind of tartan hold-all, made exclusively under licence for British Airways.
  When waiting to collect your luggage from an airport conveyor belt, you will notice that on the next conveyor belt along there is always a single, solitary bag going round and round uncollected. This is a glentaggart, which has been placed there by the baggage-hanling staff to take your mind off the fact that your own luggage will shortly be landing in Murmansk.


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Stoke Poges (n.)

The tapping movements of an index finger on glass made by a person futilely attempting to communicate with either a tropical fish or a post office clerk.

Stoke Poges

Monday, May 23, 2011

Duncraggon (n.)

The name of Charles Bronson's retirement cottage.


Sunday, May 22, 2011

Des Moines (pl. n.)

The two little lines which come down from your nose.

Des Moines

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Peoria (n.)

The fear of peeling too few potatoes.


Friday, May 20, 2011

Ipswich (n.)

The sound at the other end of the telephone which tells you that the automatic exchange is working very hard but is intending not actually to connect you this time, merely to let you know how difficult it is.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Quabbs (pl. n.)

The substances which emerge when you squeeze a blackhead.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Upottery (n.)

That part of a kitchen cupboard which contains an unnecessarily large number of milk jugs.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Ripon (vb.)

(Of literary critics.) To include all the best jokes from the book in the review to make it look as if the critic thought of them.


Monday, May 16, 2011

Jurby (n.)

A loose wollen garment reaching to the knees and with three or more armholes, knitted by the wearer's well-meaning but incompetent aunt.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Huna (n.)

The result of coming to the wrong decision.


Saturday, May 14, 2011

Polperro (n.)

A polperro is the ball, or muff, off soggy hair found clinging to bath overflow-holes.


Friday, May 13, 2011

Yeppoon (n)

One of the hat-hanging corks which Australians wear for making Quantas commercials.


Thursday, May 12, 2011

Nybster (n.)

Sort of person who takes the lift to travel one floor.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Knaptoft (n.)

The mysterious fluff placed in your pockets by dry-cleaning firms.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Wimbledon (n.)

That last drop which, no matter how much you shake it, always goes down your trouser leg.


Monday, May 9, 2011

Ewelme (n., vb.)

The smile bestowed on you by an air hostess.


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Goosnargh (n.)

Something left over from preparing or eating a meal, which you store in the fridge despite tha fact that you know full well you will never ever use it.


Saturday, May 7, 2011

Scramoge (vb.)

To cut oneself whilst licking envelopes.


Friday, May 6, 2011

Frant (n.)

Measure. The legal minimum distance between two trains on the District and Circle lines of the London Underground. A frant, which must be not less than 122 chains (or 8 leagues) long, is not connected in any way with the adjective 'frantic' which comes to us by a completely different route (as indeed do the trains).


Thursday, May 5, 2011

Botley (n.)

The prominent stain on a man's trouser crotch seen on his return from the lavatory. A botley proper is caused by an accident with the push taps, and should not be confused with any stain caused by insufficient waggling of the willy.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Virginstow (n.)

A Durex machine which doesn't have the phrase 'So was the Titanic' scrawled on it. The word has now fallen into disuse.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Corfe (n.)

An object which is almost totally indistinguishable from a newspaper, the one crucial difference being that it belongs to somebody else and is unaccountably much more interesting than your own - which may otherwise appear to be in all respects identical.
Though it is a rule of life that a train or other public place may contain any number of corfes but only one newspaper, it is quite possible to transform your own perfectly ordinary newspaper into a corfe by the simple expedient of letting somebody else read it.


Monday, May 2, 2011

Matching green (adj.)

(Of neckties.) Any colour which Nigel Rees rejects as unsuitable for his trousers or jacket.

Matching green

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Thrupp (vb.)

To hold a ruler on one end on a desk and make the other end go bbddbbddbbrrbrrrrddrr.