Saturday, December 31, 2011

Hull (adj.)

Descriptive of the smell of a weekend cottage.


Friday, December 30, 2011

Quoyness (n.)

The hatefulness of words like 'relionus' and 'easiephit'.


Thursday, December 29, 2011

Plymouth (vb.)

To relate an amusing story to someone without remembering that it was they who told it to you in the first place.


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Burton Coggles (pl. n.)

A bunch of keys found in a drawer whose purpose has long been forgotten, and which can therefore now be used only for dropping down people's backs as a cure for nose-bleeds.

Burton Coggles

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Feakle (vb.)

To make facial expressions similar to those that old gentlemen make to young girls in the playground.


Monday, December 26, 2011

Thrumstrer (n.)

The irritating man next to you in a concert who thinks he's (a) the conductor, (b) the brass section.


Sunday, December 25, 2011

Poges (pl.n.)

The lumps of dry powder that remain after cooking a packet soup.


Saturday, December 24, 2011

Poona (n.)

Satisfied grunting noise made when sitting back after a good meal.


Friday, December 23, 2011

Hobbs Cross (n.)

The awkward leaping manoeuvre a girl has to go through in bed in order to make him sleep on the wet patch.

Hobbs Cross

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Tweedsmuir (collective n.)

The name given to the extensive collection of hats kept in the downstairs lavatory which don't fit anyone in the family.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Bonkle (n.)

Of plumbing in old hotels, to make loud and unexplained noises in the night, particularly at about five o'clock in the morning.


Neen Sollars (pl.n.)

Any ensemble of especially unflattering and particular garments worn by a woman which tell you that she is right at the forefront of fashion.

Neen Sollars

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Ailene (adj.)

Descriptive of the pleasing coolness on the reverse side of the pillow.


Monday, December 19, 2011

Luffenham (n.)

Feeling you get when the pubs aren't going to be open for another fortyfive minutes and the luffness in beginning to wear a bit thin.


Sunday, December 18, 2011

Crail (n. mineral)

Crail is a common kind of rock or gravel found widely across the British Isles. Each individual stone (due to an as yet undiscovered gravitational property) is charged with 'negative buoyancy'. This means that no matter how much crail you remove from the garden, more of it will rise to the surface. Crail is much employed by the Royal Navy for making the paperweights and ashtrays used inside submarines.


Saturday, December 17, 2011

Wormelow tump (n.)

Any seventeen-year-old who doesn't know about anything at all in the world other than bicycle gears.

Wormelow tump

Friday, December 16, 2011

Duntish (adj.)

Mentally incapacitated by severe hangover.


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Toronto (n.)

Generic term for anything which comes out in a gush despite all your careful efforts to let it out gently, e.g. flour into a white sauce, tomato ketchup on to fried fish, sperm into a human being, etc.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Hoff (vb.)

To deny indignantly something which is palpably true.


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Molesby (n.)

The kind of family that drives to the seaside and then sits in the car with all the windows closed, reading the Sunday Express and wearing sidcups (q.v.)


Monday, December 12, 2011

Droitwich (n.)

A street dance. The two partners approach from opposite directions and try politely to get out of each other's way. They step to the left, step to the right, apologise, step to the left again, apologise again, bump into each other and repeat as often as unnecessary.


Sunday, December 11, 2011

Seattle (vb.)

To make a noise like a train going along.


Saturday, December 10, 2011

Mugeary (n. medical)

The substance from which the unpleasant little yellow globules in the corners of a sleepy person's eyes are made.


Friday, December 9, 2011

Bude (n.)

A polite joke reserved for use in the presence of vicars.


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Araglin (n. archaic)

A medieval practical joke played by young squires on a knight aspirant the afternoon he is due to start his vigil. As the knight arrives at the castle the squires attempt to raise the drawbridge very suddenly as the knight and his charger step on to it.


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Tyne and Wear (nouns)

The 'Tyne' is the small priceless or vital object accidentally dropped on the floor (e.g. diamond tie clip, contact lens) and the 'wear' is the large immovable object (e.g. Welsh dresser, car-crusher) that it shelters under.

Tyne and Wear

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Mavis enderby (n.)

The almost-completely-forgotten girlfriend from your distant past for whom your wife has a completely irrational jealousy and hatred.

Mavis enderby

Monday, December 5, 2011

Screeb (n.)

To make the noise of a nylon anorak rubbing against a pair of corduroy trousers.


Sunday, December 4, 2011

Abinger (n.)

One who washes up everything except the frying pan, the cheese grater and the saucepan which the chocolate sauce has been made in.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Friday, December 2, 2011

Gallipoli (adj.)

Of the behaviour of a bottom lip trying to spit mouthwash after an injection at the dentist. Hence, loose, floppy, useless. 'She went suddenly Gallipoli in his arms' - Noel Coward.


Thursday, December 1, 2011

Solent (adj.)

Descriptive of the state of serene self-knowledge reached through drink.


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Dockery (n.)

Facetious behaviour adopted by an accused man in the mistaken belief that this will endear him to the judge.


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Wrabness (n.)

The feeling after having tried to dry oneself with a damp towel.


Monday, November 28, 2011

Aberystwyth (n.)

A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing being yearned for.


Sunday, November 27, 2011

Taroom (vb.)

To make loud noises during the night to let the burglars know you are in.


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Botolphs (n.)

Huge benign tumours which archdeacons and old chemisty teachers affect to wear on the sides of their noses.


Friday, November 25, 2011

Frimley (n.)

Exaggerated carefree saunter adopted by Norman Wisdom as an immediate prelude to dropping down an open manhole.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Sidcup (n.)

One of those hats made from tying knots in the corners of a handkerchief.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Corfu (n.)

The dullest person you met during the course of your holiday. Also the only one who failed to understand that the exchanging of addresses at the end of a holiday is merely a social ritual and is absolutely not an invitation to phone you up and turn up unannounced on your doorstep three months later.


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Monday, November 21, 2011

Hove (adj.)

Descriptive of the expression seen on the face of one person in the presence of another who clearly isn't going to stop talking for a very long time.


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Abercrave (vb.)

To strongly desire to swing from the pole on the rear footplate of a bus.


Saturday, November 19, 2011

Godalming (n.)

Wonderful rush of relief on discovering that the ely (q.v.) and the wembley (q.v.) were in fact false alarms.


Friday, November 18, 2011

Snitterby (n.)

Someone who pins snitters (q.v.) on to snitterfields (q.v.) and is also suspected of being responsible for the extinction of virginstows (q.v.)


Thursday, November 17, 2011

Wroot (n.)

A short little berk who thinks that by pulling on his pipe and gazing shrewdly at you he will give the impression that he is infinitely wise and 5 ft 11 in.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Hibbing (n.)

The marks left on the outside breast pocket of a storekeeper's overall where he has put away his pen and missed.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Chipping ongar (n.)

The disgust and embarrassment (or 'ongar') felt by an observer in the presence of a person festooned with kirbies (q.v.) when they don't know them well enough to tell them to wipe them off, invariably this 'ongar' is accompanied by an involuntary staccato twitching of the leg (or 'chipping')

Monday, November 14, 2011

Ditherington (n)

Sudden access to panic experienced by one who realises that he is being drawn inexorably into a clabby (q.v.) conversion, i.e. one he has no hope of enjoying, benefiting from or understanding.


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Blean (n.)

Scientific measure of luminosity : 1 glimmer = 100,000 bleans. Usherettes' torches are designed to produce between 2.5 and 4 bleans, enabling them to assist you in falling downstairs, treading on people or putting your hand into a Neapolitan tub when reaching for change.


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Wyoming (participial vb.)

Moving in hurried desperation from one cubicle to another in a public lavatory trying to find one which has a lock on the door, a seat on the bowl and no brown steaks on the seat.


Friday, November 11, 2011

Snitterfield (n.)

Office noticeboard on which snitters (q.v.), cards saying 'You don't have to be mad to work here, but if you are it helps !!!' and slightly smutty postcards from Ibiza get pinned up by snitterbies (q.v.)


Thursday, November 10, 2011

Epsom (n.)

An entry in a diary (such as a date or a set of initials) or a name and address in your address book, which you haven't the faintest idea what it's doing there.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Marytavy (n.)

A person to whom, under dire injunctions of silence, you tell a secret which you wish to be fare more widely known.


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Torlundy (n.)

Narrow but thickly grimed strip of floor between the fridge and the sink unit in the kitchen of a rented flat.


Monday, November 7, 2011

Lulworth (n.)

Measure of conversation. A lulworth defines the amount of the length, loudness and embarrassment of a statement you make when everyone else in the room unaccountably stops talking at the same time.


Sunday, November 6, 2011

Dubuque (n.)

A look given by a superior person to someone who has arrived wearing the wrong sort of shoes.


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Kibblesworth (n.)

The footling amount of money by which the price of a given article in a shop is less than a sensible number, in a vain hope that at least one idiot will think it cheap. For instance, the kibblesworth on a pair of shoes priced at £19.99 is 1p.


Friday, November 4, 2011

Ainderby Quernhow (n.)

One who continually bemoans the 'loss' of the word 'gay' to the English language, even though they had never used the word in any context at all until they started complaining that they couldn't use it any more.

Ainderby Quernhow

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Writtle (vb.)

Of a steel ball, to settle into a hole.


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Twemlow green (n.)

The colour of some of Nigel Rees's trousers, worn in the mistaken belief that they go rather well with his sproston green (q.v.) jackets.

Twemlow green

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Memphis (n.)

The little bits of yellow fluff which get trapped in the hinge of the windscreen wipers after polishing the car with a new duster.


Monday, October 31, 2011

Dungeness (n.)

The uneasy feeling that the plastic handles of the overloaded supermarket carrier bag you are carrying are getting steadily longer.


Sunday, October 30, 2011

Sligo (n.)

An unnamed and exotic sexual act which people like to believe that famous films stars get up to in private. 'To commit slingo.'


Saturday, October 29, 2011

Pevensey (n. archaic)

The right to collect shingle from the king's foreshore.


Friday, October 28, 2011

Clabby (adj.)

A 'clabby' conversation is one stuck up by a commissionaire or cleaning lady in order to avoid any further actual work. The opening gambit is usually designed to provoke the maximum confusion, and therefore the longest possible clabby conversation. It is vitally important to learn the correct, or 'clixby' (q.v.), responses to a clabby gambit, and not to get trapped by a 'ditherington' (q.v.). For instance, if confronted with a clabby gambit such as 'Oh, mr Smith, I didn't know you'd had your leg off', the ditherington response is 'I haven't....' whereas the clixby is 'good'.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Fovant (n.)

A taxi driver's gesture, a raised hand pointed out of the window which purports to mean 'thank you' and actually means 'fuck off out of the way'.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Trispen (n.)

A form of intelligent grass. It grows a single, tough stalk and makes its home on lawns. When it sees the lawnmower coming it lies down and pops up again after it has gone by.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Nantwich (n.)

A late-night snack, invented by the Earl of Nantwich, which consists of the dampest thing in the fridge, pressed between two of the driest things in the fridge. The Earl, who lived in a flat in Clapham, invented the nantwich to avoid having to go shopping.


Monday, October 24, 2011

Meeth (n.)

Something which American doctors will shortly tell us we are all suffering from.


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Kirby misperton (n.)

One who kindly attempts to wipe an apparent kirby (q.v.) off another's face with a napkin, and then discovers it to be a wart or other permanent fixture, is said to have committed a 'kirby misperton'.

Kirby misperton

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Kettering (n.)

The marks left on your bottom or thighs after sunbathing on a wickerwork chair.


Friday, October 21, 2011

Everscreech (n.)

The look given by a group of polite, angry people to a rude, calm queue-barger.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

East wittering (n.)

The same as west wittering (q.v.) only it's you they've trying to get away from.

East wittering

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Boolteens (pl. n.)

The small scatterings of foreign coins and half-p's which inhabit dressing tables. Since they are never used and never thrown away boolteens account for a significant drain on the world's money supply.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Aith (n.)

The single bristle that sticks out sideways on a cheap paintbrush.


Monday, October 17, 2011

Yaddlethorpe (vb.)

(Of offended pooves.) To exit huffily from a boutique.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Oundle (vb.)

To walk along leaning sideways, with one arm hanging limp and dragging one leg behind the other. Most commonly used by actors in amateur production of Richard III, or by people carrying a heavy suitcase in one hand.


Saturday, October 15, 2011

Limerigg (vb.)

To jar one's leg as the result of the disappearance of a stair which isn't there in the darkness.


Friday, October 14, 2011

Darenth (n.)

Measure = 0.0000176 mg. Defined as that amount of margarine capable of covering one hundred slices of bread to the depth of one molecule. This is the legal maximum allowed in sandwich bars in Greater London.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Aboyne (vb.)

To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Clixby (adj.)

Politely rude. Briskly vague. Firmly uninformative.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Keele (adj.)

The horrible smell caused by washing ashtrays.


Monday, October 10, 2011

Whasset (n.)

A business card in you wallet belonging to someone whom you have no recollection of meeting.


Sunday, October 9, 2011

Snitter (n.)

One of the rather unfunny newspaper clippings pinned to an office wall, the humour of which is supposed to derive from the fact that the headline contains a name similar to that of one of the occupants to the office.


Saturday, October 8, 2011

Quenby (n.)

A stubborn spot on a window which you spend twenty minutes trying to clean off before discovering it's on the other side of the glass.


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Corriecravie (n.)

To avert the horrors of corrievorrie (q.v.) corriecravie is usually employed. This is the cowardly but highly skilled process by which both protagonists continue to approach while keeping up the pretence that they haven't noticed each other - by staring furiously at their feet, grimacing into a notebook, or studying the walls closely as if in a mood of deep irritation.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Gastard (n.)

Useful specially new-coined word for an illegitimate child (in order to distinguish it from someone who merely carves you up on the motorway, etc.)


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Tampa (n.)

The sound of a rubber eraser coming to rest after dropping off a desk in a very quiet room.


Monday, October 3, 2011

Lossiemouth (n.)

One of those middle-aged ladies with just a hint of a luxuriant handlebar moustache.


Sunday, October 2, 2011

Dunboyne (n.)

The moment of realisation that the train you have just patiently watched pulling out of the station was the one you were meant to be on.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Friday, September 30, 2011

Melton constable (n.)

A patent anti-wrinkle cream which policemen wear to keep themselves looking young.

Melton constable

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Framlingham (n.)

A kind of burglar alarm usage. It is cunningly designed so that it can ring at full volume in the street without apparently disturbing anyone. Other types of framlingams are burglar alarms fitted to business premises in residential areas, which go off as a matter of regular routine at 5.31 p.m. on a Friday evening and do not get turned off til 9.20 a.m. on Monday morning.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Ardscull (n.)

Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for deep wounds inflicted on your scalp in an attempt to rectify whatever it was that induced the ardscalpsie (q.v.).


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Ganges (n. rare : colonial Indian)

Leg-rash contracted from playing too much polo. (It is a little-known fact that Prince Charles is troubled by ganges down the inside of his arms.)


Monday, September 26, 2011

Boscastle (n.)

A huge pyramid of tin cans placed just inside the entrance to a supermarket.


Sunday, September 25, 2011

West wittering (participial vb.)

The uncontrollable twitching which breaks out when you're trying to get away from the most boring person at a party.

West wittering

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Fulking (participial vb.)

Pretending not to be in when the carol-singers come round.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Oughterby (n.)

Someone you don't want to invite to a party but whom you know you have to as a matter of duty.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

York (vb.)

To shift the position of the shoulder straps on a heavy bag or rucksack in a vain attempt to make it seem lighter.
 Hence: to laugh falsely and heartily at an unfunny remark. 'Jasmine yorked politely, loathing him to the depths of her being' - Virginia Woolf.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Swanage (pl.n.)

Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to cover up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a) uttering a high-pitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB. this doesn't work more that twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and wiping the glossop off the table in the same movement as whipping out your handkerchief; (c) saying 'Christ! I seen to have dropped some shit on your table' (very unwise); (d) saying 'Christ, who did that?' (better) (e) pressing your elbow on the glossop itself and working your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f) leaving the glossop where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up with sitting at an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the glossop is in too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except for the occasional humorous glance.


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Tulsa (n.)

A slurp of beer which has accidentally gone down your shirt collar.


Monday, September 19, 2011

Emsworth (n.)

Measure of time and noiselessness defined as the moment between the doors of a lift closing and it beginning to move.


Sunday, September 18, 2011

Hastings (pl.n.)

Things said on the spur of the moment to explain to someone who comes into a room unexpectedly precisely what it is you are doing.


Saturday, September 17, 2011

Scranton (n.)

A person who, after the declaration of the bodmin (q.v.), always says,'... But I only had the tomato soup.'


Friday, September 16, 2011

Humber (vb.)

To move like the cheeks of a very fat person as their car goes over a cattle grid.


Thursday, September 15, 2011

Duddo (n.)

The most deformed potato in any given collection of potatoes.


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Huby (n.)

A half-erection large enough to be a publicly embarrassing bulge in the trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Monday, September 12, 2011

Glossop (n.)

A rouge blob of food.
 Glossops, which are generally streaming hot and highly adhesive invariably fall off your spoon and on to the surface of your host's highly polished antique-rosewood dining table. If this has not, or may not have, been noticed by the company present, swanage (q.v.) may be employed.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

Corrievorrie (n.)

Corridor etiquette demands that one a corriedoo (q.v.) has been declared, corrievorrie must be employed. Both protagonists must now embellish their approach with an embarrassing combination of waving, grinning, making idiot faces, doing pirate impressions, and waggling the head from side to side while holding the other person's eyes as the smile drips off their face, until with great relief, they pass each other.


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Nazeing (participial vb.)

The rather unconvincing noises of pretended interest which an adult has to make when brought a small dull object for admiration by a child.


Friday, September 9, 2011

Clovis (q.v.)

One who actually looks forward to putting up the Christmas decorations in the office.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

Flodigarry (n. Scots)

An ankle-length gabardine or oilskin tarpaulin worn by deep-sea herring fishermen in Arbroath and publicans in Glasgow.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Yarmouth (vb.)

To shout at foreigners in the belief that the louder you speak, the better they'll understand you.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Throckmorton (n.)

The soul of a departed madman: one of those now known to inhabit the timing mechanism of pop-up toasters.


Monday, September 5, 2011

Motspur (n.)

The fourth wheel of a supermarket trolley which looks identical to the other three but renders the trolley completely uncontrollable.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

Albuquerque (n.)

A shapeless squiggle which is utterly unlike your normal signature, but which is, nevertheless, all you are able to produce when asked formally to identify yourself. Muslims, whose religion forbids the making of graven images, use albuquerques to decorate their towels, menu cards and pyjamas.


Saturday, September 3, 2011

Clun (n.)

A leg which has gone to sleep and has to be hauled around after you.


Friday, September 2, 2011

Hassop (n.)

The pocket down the back of an armchair used for storing two-shilling bits and pieces of Lego.


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Sproston green (n.)

The violent colour of one of Nigel Rees's jackets, worn when he thinks he's being elegant.

Sproston green

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Todding (vb.)

The business of talking amiably and aimlessly to the barman at the local.


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Monday, August 29, 2011

Low eggborough (n.)

A quiet little unregarded man in glasses who is building a new kind of atomic bomb in his garden shed.

Low eggborough

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Eriboll (n.)

A brown bubble of cheese containing gaseous matter which grows on welsh rarebit. It was Sir Alexander Flemming's study of eribolls which led, indirectly, to his discovery of the fact that he didn't like welsh rarebit very much.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Ardscalpsie (n.)

Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for completely massacring your hair.


Friday, August 26, 2011

Pitsligo (n.)

Part of traditional mating rite. During the first hot day of spring, all the men in the tube start giving up their seats to ladies and staphanging. The purpose of pitsligo is for them to demonstrate their manhood by displaying the wet patches under their arms.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Mellon udrigle (n.)

The ghastly sound made by traditional folksingers.

Mellon udrigle

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Lusby (n.)

The fold of flesh pushing forward over the top of a bra which is too small for the lady inside it.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Haselbury pluncknett (n.)

A mechanical device for cleaning combs invented during the industrial revolution at the same time as Arkwright's Spinning Jenny, but which didn't catch on in the same way.

Haselbury pluncknett

Monday, August 22, 2011

Uttoxeter (n.)

A small but immensely complex mechanical device which is essentially the 'brain' of a modern coffee vending machine, and which enables the machine to take its own decisions.


Sunday, August 21, 2011

Wike (vb.)

To rip a piece of sticky plaster off your skin as fast as possible in the hope that it will (a) show how brave you are, and (b) not hurt.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

Scullet (n.)

The last teaspoon in the washing up.


Friday, August 19, 2011

Great tosson (n.)

A fat book containing four words and six cartoons which cost £6.95.

Great tosson

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Finuge (vb.)

In any division of foodstuffs equally between several people, to give yourself the extra slice left over.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Bodmin (n.)

The irrational and inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay a bill together after a meal.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Tidpit (n.)

The corner of a toenail from which satisfying little black deposits may be sprung.


Monday, August 15, 2011

Naas (n.)

The winemaking region of Albania where most of the wine that people take to bottle-parties comes from.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Bradworthy (n.)

One who is skilled in the art of naming loaves.


Saturday, August 13, 2011

Curry mallet (n.)

A large wooden or rubber cub which poachers use to despatch cats or other game which they can only sell to Indian resturants. For particulary small cats the price obtainable is not worth the cost of expending ammunition.

Curry mallet

Friday, August 12, 2011

Fring (n.)

The noise made by light bulb which has just shone its last.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Woolfardisworthy (n.)

A mumbled, mispronounced or misheard word in a song, speech or play. Derived from the well-known mumbles passage in Hamlet :
'...and the spurns,
That patient merit of the unworthy takes
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who woolfardisworthy
To grunt and sweat under a weary life?'

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Ullingswick (n.)

An over-developed epiglottis found in middle-aged coloraturas.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Exeter (n.)

All light household and electrical goods contain a number of vital components plus at least one exeter. If you've just mended a fuse, changed a bulb or fixed a blender, the exeter is the small, flat or round plastic or bakelite piece left over which means you have to undo everything and start all over again.


Monday, August 8, 2011

Malibu (n.)

The height by which the top of a wave exceeds the height to which you have rolled up your trousers.


Sunday, August 7, 2011

Belper (n.)

A knob of someone else's chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under a deck's top, under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody's thigh under their skirt.


Saturday, August 6, 2011

Ranfurly (adj.)

Fashion of trying ties so that the long thin end underneath dangles below the short fat upper end.


Friday, August 5, 2011

Herstmonceux (n.)

The correct name for the gold medallion worn by someone who is in the habit of wearing their shirt open to the waist.


Thursday, August 4, 2011

Dewlish (adj.)

(Of the hands or feet.) Prunelike after an overlong bath.


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Yonder Bognie (n.)

The kind of restaurant advertised as 'just three minutes from this cinema' which clearly nobody ever goes to and, even if they had ever contemplated it, have certainly changed their mind since seeing the advert.

Yonder Bognie

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Weem (n.)

The tools with which a dentist can inflict the greatest pain. Formerly, which tool this was dependent upon the imagination and skill of the individual dentist, though now, with technological advances, weems can be bought specially.


Monday, August 1, 2011

Kalami (n.)

The ancient Eastern art of being able to fold road-maps properly.


Sunday, July 31, 2011

Tegucigalpa (n.)

An embarrassing mistake arising out of confusing the shape of something rather rude with something perfectly ordinary when groping for it in the darkness.
 A common example of a tegucigalpa is when a woman pulls a packet of Tampax out of her bag and offers them around under the impression that it is a carton of cigarettes.


Saturday, July 30, 2011

Moffat (n. tailoring term)

That part of your coat which is designed to be sat on by the person next of you on the bus.


Friday, July 29, 2011

Ossett (n.)

A frilly spare-toilet-roll-cosy.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Largoward (n.)

Motorists' name for the kind of pedestrian who stands beside a main road and waves on the traffic, as if it's their right of way.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Glenwhilly (n. Scots)

A small tartan pouch worn beneath the kilt during the thistle-harvest.


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Vobster (n.)

A strain of perfectly healthy rodent which develops cancer the moment it enter a laboratory.


Monday, July 25, 2011

Querrin (n.)

A person that no one has ever heard of who unaccountably manages to make a living writing prefaces.


Sunday, July 24, 2011

Frating green (adj.)

The shade of green which is supposed to make you feel comfortable in hospitals, industrious in schools and uneasy in police stations.

Frating green

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Cong (n.)

Strange-shaped metal utensil found at the back of the saucepan cupboard. Many authorities believe that congs provide conclusive proof of the existence of a now extinct form of yellow vegetable which the Victorians used to boil mercilessly.


Friday, July 22, 2011

Dorridge (n.)

Technical term for one of the lame excuses written in very small print on the side of packets of food or washing powder to explain why there's hardly anything inside. Examples include 'Contents may have settled in transit' and 'To keep each biscuit fresh they have been individually wrapped in silver paper and cellophane and separated with corrugated lining, a cardboard flap, and heavy industrial tyres'.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Amlwch (n.)

A British Rail sandwich which has been kept soft by being regularly washed and resealed in clingfilm.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Kingston bagpuise (n.)

A forty-year-old sixteen-stone man trying to commit suicide by jogging.

Kingston bagpuise

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Broats (pl. n.)

A pair of trousers with a career behind them. Broats are most commonly seen on elderly retired army officers. Originally the brats were part of their best suit back in the thirties; then in the fifties they were demounted and used for gardening. Recently pensions not being what they were, the broats have been called out of retirement and reinstated as part of the best suit again.


Monday, July 18, 2011

Llanelli (adj.)

Descriptive of the waggling movement of a person's hands when shaking water from them or warming up for a piece of workshop theatre.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

Polloch (n.)

One of those tiny ribbed-plastic and aluminium foil tubs of milk served on trains enabling you to carry one safely back to you compartment where you can spill the contents all over your legs in comfort trying to get the bloody things open.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Skegness (n.)

Nose excreta of a malleable consistency.


Friday, July 15, 2011

Queenzieburn (n.)

Something that happens when people make it up after an agglethorpe (q.v.)


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Nottage (n.)

Nottage is the collective name for things which you find a use for immediately after you've thrown them away. For instance, your greenhouse has been cluttered up for years with a huge piece of cardboard and great fronds of gardening string. You at last decide to clear all this stuff out, and you burn it. Within twenty-four hours you will urgently need to wrap a large parcel, and suddenly remember that luckily in your greenhouse there is some cardb...


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Yate (n.)

Dishearteningly white piece of bread which sits limply in a pop-up toaster during a protracted throcking (q.v.) session.


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dittisham (n.)

Any music you hear on the radio to which you have to listen very carefully to determine whether it is an advertising jingle or a bona fide record.


Monday, July 11, 2011

Timble (vb.)

(Of small nasty children.) To fail over very gently, look around to see who's about, and then yell blue murder.


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Oswaldtwistle (n. Old Norse)

Small brass wind instrument used for summoning Vikings to lunch when they're off on their longships, playing.


Saturday, July 9, 2011

Scroggs (n.)

The stout pubic hairs which protrude from your helping of moussaka in a cheap Greek restaurant.


Friday, July 8, 2011

Cannock chase (n.)

In any box of After Eight Mints, there is always a large number of empty envelopes and no more that four or five actual mints. The cannock chase is the process by which, no matter which part of the box often, you will always extract most of the empty sachets before pinning down an actual minot, or 'cannock'. The cannock chase also occurs with people who put their dead matches back in the matchbox, and then embarrass themselves at parties trying to light cigarettes with tree quarters of an inch of charcoal. The term is also used to describe futile attempts to pursue unscrupulous advertising agencies who nick your ideas to sell chocolates with.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Halcro (n.)

An adhesive fibrous cloth used to hold babies' clothes together. Thousands of tiny pieces of jam 'hook' on to thousands of tiny-pieces of dribble, enabling the cloth to become 'sticky'.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Ely (n.)

The first, tiniest inkling you get that something, somewhere, has gone terribly wrong.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Clonmult (n.)

A yellow ooze usually found near secretions of buldoo (q.v.) and sadberge (q.v.)


Monday, July 4, 2011

Shanklin (n.)

The hoop of skin around a single slice of salami.


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Royston (n.)

The man behind you in church who sings with terrific gusto almost tree quarters of a tone off the note.


Saturday, July 2, 2011

Fraddam (n.)

The small awkward-shaped piece of cheese which remains after grating a large regular-shaped piece of cheese and enables you to cut your fingers.


Friday, July 1, 2011

Umberleigh (n.)

The awful moment which follows a dorchester (q.v.) when a speaker weighs up whether to repeat an amusing remark after nobody laughed the last time. To be on the horns of an umberleigh is to wonder whether people didn't hear the remark, or whether they did hear it and just didn't think it was funny, which was why somebody coughed.


Thursday, June 30, 2011

Ventnor (n.)

One who, having been visited as a child by a mysterious gypsy lady, is gifted with the strange power of being able to operate the air-nozzles above aeroplane seats.


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Liff (n.)

A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words. 'This book will change your life'.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Kurdistan (n.)

Hard stare given by a husband to his wife when he notices a sharp increase in the number of times he answers the phone to be told, 'Sorry, wrong number.'


Monday, June 27, 2011

Aberbeeg (vb.)

Of amateur actors, to adopt a Mexican accent when called upon to play any variety of foreigner (except Pakistanis - from whom a Welsh accent is considered sufficient).


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Wigan (n.)

If, when talking to someone you know has only one leg, you're trying to treat then perfectly casually and normally, but find to your horror that your conversion is liberally studded with references to (a) Long John Silver, (b) Hopalong Cassidy, (c) The Hockey Cokey, (d) 'putting your foot in it', (e) 'the last leg of the UEFA competition', you are said to have committed a wigan.
 The word is derived from the fact that sub-editors at ITN used to manage to mention the name of either the town Wigan, or Lord Wigg, in every fourth script that Reginald Bosanquet was given to read.


Saturday, June 25, 2011

Bedfont (n.)

A lurching sensation in the pit of the stomach experienced at breakfast in a hotel, occasioned by the realisation that it is about now that the chamber-maid will have discovered the embarrassing stain on your bottom sheet.


Friday, June 24, 2011

Margate (n.)

A margate is a particular kind of commissionaire who sees you every day and is on cheerful first-name terms with you, then one day refuses to let you in because you've forgotten your identify card.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Epworth (n.)

The precise value of the usefulness of epping (q.v.) it is a little-known fact than an earlier draft of the final line of the film Gone with the Wind had Clark Gable saying 'Frankly my dear, i don't give an epworth', the line being eventually changed on the grounds that it might not be understood in Cleveland.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Naples (pl.n.)

The tiny depression in a piece of Ryvita.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Valletta (n.)

On ornate head-dress or loose garment worn by a person in the belief that it renders then invisibly native and not like a tourist at all. People who don huge colonial straw collie hats with 'I Luv Lagos' on them in Nigeria, or fat solicitors from Tonbridge on holiday in Malaya who insist on appearing in the hotel lobby wearing a sarong know what we're on about.


Monday, June 20, 2011

Yesnaby (n.)

A 'yes, maybe' which means 'no'.


Sunday, June 19, 2011

Throcking (participial vb.)

The action of continually pushing down the lever on a pop-up toaster in the hope that you will thereby get it to understand that you want it to toast something.
 Also: a style of drum-playing favoured by Nigel Olsson of the Elton John Band, reminiscent of the sound of someone slapping a frankfurter against a bucket. An excellent example of this is to be heard on 'Someone Save My Life Tonight' from the album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.